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Submitted on
April 3, 2014
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It is morning.
Your breath hums through me; I feel it
crashing against each of the hairs on my arm.
Your foot touches mine
in the darkness of bed.

Were I a younger man, I'd rouse you
with a storm of lips, bring you up
from sleep into the daytime. 
I'd trickle fingertips across your stomach,
touching your face
until your eyes dawned against mine. 
I'd sing to you, hoarse with affection
and sleep.

But I am not a younger man; 
I see you at rest, and 
I am at rest. 
I lie in wait to watch for daylight
to fill you up and bring you to me.
:iconrhyiant:

Summerby Rhyiant

Literature / Poetry / Romantic / General / Free Verse©2014-2015 Rhyiant
Written 4/2/14

EDIT: Woah, daily deviation. I'm really honored -- and I'm glad that you all enjoy this poem so much. Thanks. :)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-04-08
A moment of love: Summer by Rhyiant ( Suggested by homunculus888 and Featured by neurotype )
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,

 

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

 

What I like about this is the simplicity of the poem- the word choices especially I find to be simple yet so incredible apt.  I really liked the metaphors in the second stanza- a storm of lips & your eyes dawned against mine- that is just lovely!

 

You followed up so nicely in the third stanza- one which I find relatable- perhaps because I am not a young person… either way, I feel as though I have been in that same situation and your poem brings beautiful sleepy memories to the surface and that makes me smile. Thank you for that.
 

I have no constructive criticism to offer. I like this just the way it is.  J Oh, and congratulations on the DD.  Well deserved!

Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for this. It's always nice to read nice things about what I've written. I was worried that the third stanza wouldn't be enough, but now that I read it again for the first time in a little bit, I like it the way it is, haha. 

Thank you for the kind words. :)
Reply
:iconsaiyanpelt-and-co:
Saiyanpelt-and-Co Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so beautiful. Congrats on the DD. :)
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you like the poem. :)
Reply
:iconpeachgirl13:
peachgirl13 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Photographer
this is beautiful!!!
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for your kind words! :)
Reply
:iconpeachgirl13:
peachgirl13 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Photographer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconpokemonmaster250:
PokemonMaster250 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, you earned it. :)
Nice work! :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks! It was a nice surprise. 
Reply
:iconlunewhisper7:
lunewhisper7 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is an amazing piece! I can really feel love resonating from this piece, short and yet sweet ;D I wish I had this kind of skill, but my writers' block has been a dead wall in front of me >< 
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Aw. I'm glad you like it so much. 

I know what you mean about writers block. My trick is to write a little every day, even if I feel like I don't have anything interesting to write. At least then I'm doing something. I also have a book of prompts I use sometimes -- it's fantastic! :la:

Again, thanks for reading. I appreciate your kind words.
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well-deserved! Very eloquent and just lovely.
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you. I'm glad you think so! :)
Reply
:icon22megirl:
22megirl Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Digital Artist
It's SUMMER HERE! :la:
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Nice! Where I am, we're just about to get to summer, which is exciting. :)
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
oh, this is awesome and great!
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks! I appreciate your kind words. 
Reply
:iconskyrider-1:
Skyrider-1 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
^_^  <3
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
:D
Reply
:iconselune13:
Selune13 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
Very beautiful. :)
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks! :D
Reply
:iconcrazyblurplepens:
CrazyBlurplePens Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
Wow, this is actually amazingly beautiful :heart:
- Aurora x
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you. That's very kind of you to say. :)
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014   Writer
Truly beautiful.  :heart:
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconpiscesoul:
Piscesoul Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
Mmm I love these short sweet fallen items.
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Yeah. I sometimes like the power that can come with a short poem. 

Thanks for reading! :)
Reply
:iconpiscesoul:
Piscesoul Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
Have a good one :peace:
Reply
:iconwordeea:
Wordeea Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is just perfect ...
congratulations on the DD. very well desreved
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! I was surprised to log in and see it, haha.
Reply
:icontom1947:
Tom1947 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014

      Rhyiant, I don’t know much about poetry, but I thought I read some to learn about it and I came across yours. 

      Tom,

Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Hey, Tom. Poetry can be weird -- I hope that you liked mine. Let me know if you want any recommendations. I read a lot of poetry and would be happy to share some of my favorite poets with you. :)
Reply
:icondanielleivanova:
DanielleIvanova Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I love how this poem brings out two different kinds of showing love yet they both seem equally endearing and sweet and valuable. :love: 
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reading my poem! :)
Reply
:icondanielleivanova:
DanielleIvanova Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome! :sun:
Reply
:iconmochaiscoffee:
Mochaiscoffee Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Love it 😍💚
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconmochaiscoffee:
Mochaiscoffee Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks for
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Student Writer
Complimenting my poem!
Reply
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Really great stuff. It isn't loaded with imagery and metaphor, which makes it really accessible. However, it still reads beautifully ("I'd trickle fingertips across your stomach," is amazing, for example).

Very well deserving of a DD :3
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks! I do like that bit you quoted. I also really like "... your eyes dawn against mine"

I appreciate your kind words.
Reply
:iconhiddendelights:
hiddendelights Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
This is so beautiful, thank you. :heart: 
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thank YOU. :D
Reply
:iconthepolishgirl:
thepolishgirl Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aaaww, this is lovely.  It really takes the reader to that moment ^__^  Makes me think of an elderly couple waking up next to each other, a whole lifetime of experiences and love between them.  I don't find anything wrong with the rhythm.  I feel the way it's written, the pace is fitting for an elderly person saying it (or thinking)... a little out of step, as it were.  I'd leave this as it is. 
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks for your thoughtful comments! 

I did make a couple of edits just before it was made a DD, and I think they were improvements. The rhythm is a little offbeat at times, yeah -- I'm glad you picked up on that. I think I will leave it the way it is, now; I'm content with it. Thanks for reading! :)
Reply
:iconthepolishgirl:
thepolishgirl Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't mention it ^__^  I'm not a poetry person, but every once in a while I come across jewels that speak even to me... and this was one such jewel :)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
accepted this for prosepoetry-elegance, but do have some suggestions since your notes indicate you want feedback. Am "rewriting" this how I would edit it if it was mine. It's rather lovely :)


It is morning.
Your breath hums through me; I feel it crashing
against each of the hairs on my arm.
Your foot touches mine
in the darkness of bed.

Were I a younger man, I'd rouse you
with a storm of lips, bring you up
from sleep into the daytime. 
I'd trickle fingertips across your stomach,
touching your face
until your eyes dawned against mine. 
I'd sing to you, hoarse with affection
and sleep.

But I am not a younger man; 
I see you at rest,
and I am at rest. 
I lie in wait to watch for daylight
to fill you up and bring you to me.
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014  Student Writer
Ah -- I see what you did there. The pacing does feel more natural this way. Thanks for pointing that out -- may I use these edits? I might tweak a few more things, too.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
oh yea, for sure! :)

it's a great little moment, I'm glad you put it up
Reply
:iconrhyiant:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words.
Reply
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