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Submitted on
April 3
Submitted with Writer


145 (who?)
It is morning.
Your breath hums through me; I feel it
crashing against each of the hairs on my arm.
Your foot touches mine
in the darkness of bed.

Were I a younger man, I'd rouse you
with a storm of lips, bring you up
from sleep into the daytime. 
I'd trickle fingertips across your stomach,
touching your face
until your eyes dawned against mine. 
I'd sing to you, hoarse with affection
and sleep.

But I am not a younger man; 
I see you at rest, and 
I am at rest. 
I lie in wait to watch for daylight
to fill you up and bring you to me.
Written 4/2/14

EDIT: Woah, daily deviation. I'm really honored -- and I'm glad that you all enjoy this poem so much. Thanks. :)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-04-08
A moment of love: Summer by Rhyiant ( Suggested by homunculus888 and Featured by neurotype )
prettyflour Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,


Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.


What I like about this is the simplicity of the poem- the word choices especially I find to be simple yet so incredible apt.  I really liked the metaphors in the second stanza- a storm of lips & your eyes dawned against mine- that is just lovely!


You followed up so nicely in the third stanza- one which I find relatable- perhaps because I am not a young person… either way, I feel as though I have been in that same situation and your poem brings beautiful sleepy memories to the surface and that makes me smile. Thank you for that.

I have no constructive criticism to offer. I like this just the way it is.  J Oh, and congratulations on the DD.  Well deserved!

Rhyiant Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for this. It's always nice to read nice things about what I've written. I was worried that the third stanza wouldn't be enough, but now that I read it again for the first time in a little bit, I like it the way it is, haha. 

Thank you for the kind words. :)
Saiyanpelt-and-Co Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so beautiful. Congrats on the DD. :)
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you like the poem. :)
peachgirl13 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Photographer
this is beautiful!!!
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for your kind words! :)
peachgirl13 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Photographer
You're welcome!
PokemonMaster250 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, you earned it. :)
Nice work! :thumbsup:
Rhyiant Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks! It was a nice surprise. 
lunewhisper7 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is an amazing piece! I can really feel love resonating from this piece, short and yet sweet ;D I wish I had this kind of skill, but my writers' block has been a dead wall in front of me >< 
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